Reflections
by CHAILYN
Summary: A look at what John's motivation could have been for making the deal. rated T for language. sequel now up.
1. Chapter 1

_**Reflections **__

* * *

_

Summary: Just an attempt to shed a little light on the motivation behind John's deal.

Authours note: Some language so if you, ya know, are offended by it...its in there, prepare to be offended if you read. 

_Disclaimer: its all mine. ::shrugs:: e.k.'s a crap shot at blackjack, what can I say? 'Cept I'm better of course. _

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John knew it wasn't right, wasn't fair, but...since when had life been fair for his boys? For any of them?

The way he looked at it, he had two options. Wait for one son to die and have the other hate him for the rest of his miserable life...or do something about it. Fuck it, who was he kidding? He had one choice. If he loses Dean, he loses Sam too.

He screwed up when it came to Sam, he knows that. He shouldn't have pushed so hard, he shouldn't have demanded of him to be Dean, to just obey his every order and fall into this life. He shouldn't have told him to 'stay gone' when he decided to get a real life. He should have been a better father to them.

He was just trying to protect him though. Hr knew what Sam was destined to become and he just thought...if he pushed him enough, taught him enough...that would be enough. But it wasn't, its never enough. Sam was destined to be the end all and he couldn't stop it.

Maybe he could make up for it though. Maybe he could give Dean the chance to do what he had no chance of being able to do.

**00000**

"Comatose." John repeated the physician's words.

"He's on life support, as soon as we pull out the tubes..." The doctor's voice trailed off into emptiness, his point made.

"Okay."

The decision was made before he even walked into the room. What did he have left? Even if he kills the demon...he's going to lose one son and he's not going to choose which one.

Its not a choice he deserves to be able to make.

**00000**

The boys will survive without him.

That's the conclusion that he comes to as he hears himself fighting with his youngest son. Sam will never forgive him for what's happened to Dean, if he lives he loses both sons, and Dean doesn't need him; he only needs Sam. He's only ever needed Sam, after all Sam was the one who was there for him when he was never there...except for when he went away to school, and then, Dean had nobody.

If nothing else, John owed his son a second chance at life.

**00000**

He knew Azazel would take the deal. He was offering up the colt, and his own soul, for Azazel it was win-win.

"Can't hack it anymore John?" Azazel taunted.

"Something like that." John said, void of any emotion. "Take the deal, you know its good."

"I'm dissapointed in you John." Azazel said, "I really thought you were going to give me a real challenge for coming for Sammy...throwing in the rag like this, I just never expected it from you."

"You just bring Dean back, and you've got me and the colt."

"It's funny," He said, "You know, Dean thinks his daddy is this great big hero...gonna think you're an even bigger hero, going to hell for someone, its big...what will he think when he figures out that it was just that you were too scared to face the truth?"

John was silent. He was taking the coward's way out, he was leaving it up to Dean and just maybe Dean would find a way to do what he couldn't, find a way to save Sam.

"He's going to hate you."

I can't kill my own son, John thought, when it comes down to it though...Dean's a soldier, he'll do what has to be done. What I'm not strong enough to do.

**00000**

_He's going to become evil, the greatest evil to cross the earth. If you can't save your brother, you have to stop him. If you can't save him, you're going to have to kill him, Dean._

As he said it, he'd realized he'd done the unforgiveable. He'd saved Dean's life only to condemn him to a lifetime of misery.

He hoped his son would forgive him.

**00000**


	2. Chapter 2

**Back To You**

_I was doing some editing and realized i deleted this and instead of posting as a stand alone, did it as a sequel because that was actually the way I wrote it--as a request for more! And I own nothing. At all._

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**All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable**

--

Dean didn't miss his father, he couldn't even mourn him. All he could feel was hate and anger, and you fucking bastard, how could you leave me here to deal with this.

I. Don't. Deserve. This.

--

_He's going to become evil, the greatest evil to cross the earth. If you can't save your brother, you have to stop him. If you can't save him, you're going to have to kill him, Dean._

--

When it came to his father, it used to be hero worship. He wanted to be like his dad, he wanted to make his dad proud, he wanted to do what was right...he wanted to be a hero like his dad.

John was no hero.

It didn't matter how it ended, this was something he'd never forgive his father for.

John was a coward, and Dean hated him for it. Hated him for leaving him here with this, this weight that he didn't know how to handle, that he didn't know what to do with...for leaving him with that--that fucking choice to make.

--

"I can take care of myself, thanks."

_I have to, because I'm the one who has to fix it. I have to do what he couldn't do._

"No. No you can't. And you know what, you're the only one who thinks you should have to. You don't have to handle this on your own, Dean...no one can."

_Like I even care that he's dead, that he left me here alone...to do this. Your right, no one can handle this on their own...I don't even know if I can, but I'll try for you Sammy._

_--_

"Sam, if you bring up dad's death one more time I swear..."

_So many times, so many damn times he just wanted to scream--scream he didn't care, he didn't give a fuck that John was dead; that John was a fucking bastard like everyone said and he deserved to rot._

_But he couldn't, after all, Dean didn't do that._

"Dean. Dean, it's killing you."

_I wish. He wished it everyday, because no matter what...he'd rather be dead than have to keep walking around with this echoing and screaming in his head every day._

_You have no idea. _

_I was._

_I should be._

_--_


End file.
